Long-Distance Relationships: Intrusive Questions

People often ask me if I’m married when they see the gold ring with the heart pattern on my left finger. I’ll smile and say “No, I’m engaged,” or if I really don’t want to go into details, I’ll just say “Yes.” I’ve even been told by people that it looks like a wedding ring since it’s gold and I don’t have a “stone”. There’s a reason I don’t have a “stone” and the ring is pure 24k gold (which I always try to keep the band in place).

I am engaged to a man from India where gold is highly valued and considered the finest material for traditional wedding jewellery. The ring was a gift from my fiancee’s mother and was both culturally and symbolically her way of accepting me as her son’s future wife. It’s not everyday that a man brings an American woman home to his family and introduces her as his future wife.

Of course, when I mention that we’re in a long-distance relationship, I get a lot of questions and the most popular ones were, “How did you meet?” “That must be really hard. How do you manage that? When do you get married? Why doesn’t he just move here? Why don’t you move there? What does your family think of you marrying a foreigner?

Because of this, I tend to avoid revealing details of my relationship with people I’ve just met, especially those who ask these kinds of questions. It’s clear that they may not be open-minded enough to try to grasp the finer details and effort that a long-distance relationship requires. That’s how I deal with these questions, ladies.

How did you meet?

In the modern world, more and more couples are meeting online, either through social media websites or even applications. Couples have met on Facebook, Instagram, and even Twitter. My fiancé happened to find my email address on a website related to finding work in Japan, so I find it best to reply, “He was my pen pal,” which is the truth, except that we exchanged emails and handwritten letters. Honesty is your best policy in this regard, and if the person asking can’t understand how you built a relationship through the online communication and visits, that’s their problem.

Or maybe you met while studying or working abroad, or even while you were on vacation and had to return to your home country. Whatever your circumstances, there’s no reason to hide the truth.

That must be really hard. How do you deal with that?

“We choose to deal with it. I think it’s worth waiting for my fiancée until everything falls into place and we can see each other every day. We communicate daily and try to arrange visits when we can.” Sometimes, when I’m feeling sarcastic, I want to reply that long-distance relationships are not for the faint of heart or needy. It takes a strong heart to get through these times when you don’t see each other and the unknown projected events and schedules that a relationship might take.

When will you get married?

This is my favorite because I really don’t know. Have you never heard of immigration laws? Or are we just not ready to set a date yet?

Why doesn’t he/she move here?

Please refer to the above reason.

Why don’t you move there?

Your reasons will vary, but once again I’m being bluntly honest with my questioner. “My fiancé and I have no interest in living our lives in India and my lifestyle and commitments require me to live in the US.”

What does your family think of you marrying a foreigner?

This has to be one of the most offensive questions and I’m sure many people in intercultural relationships have had this experience. Why is it important which country my future spouse is from? It’s a personal choice and maybe my family isn’t racist. My favorite answer is, “They don’t care.”

I have to keep reminding myself that not everyone will be able to grasp the concept of long-distance interracial relationships. Some people might be really curious and not realize that the questions they ask might be seen as quite intrusive or even rude. Then there are these people who seem to understand and connect with and I don’t mind sharing details about my relationship and the person I love.

Thanks to Heidi E Cruz | #LongDistance #Relationships #Intrusive #Questions